Thursday, September 9, 2010

Giants vs Padres Series Survival Kit

The Giants travel down the coast to play the hated annoying rival Padres. The team has not played well against this scrappy team of ankle bitters so here is some things to get you through the series.

The Crazy Crabbers Proudly Present:
The Giants vs Padres Series Survival Kit

Bill of Rights1. A Copy of the Bill of Rights:

What the Giants do on a nightly basis to the fans should be banned under the 8th amendment. Here is what it says, "nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted" now I am not a constitutional scholar but I am pretty sure that some of the games the Giants have lost are both cruel and unusual. So everyone needs one of these near by to point to if somehow the Giants go about trying to screw up a one hitter or giving up a broken bat game winning triple.

In addition here is the contact information for the Northern California branch of the American Civil Liberties Union if we need to fill some charges after this series:
39 Drumm Street,
San Francisco, CA 94111

T (main): 415.621.2493

Pepto-Bismol Cherry Liquid, 16-Ounce Bottle (Pack of 3)2. Pepto Bismol:

Nothing fights upset stomachs, nausea, heartburn, diarrhea, and indigestion better then this bad boy.

It is pretty much guaranteed that during the course of this series all of us will feel at least one if not all of these symptoms. After watching so many Giants games this season I now get the Costco size version of the extra strength cherry flavored because it tastes a little better.

I recommend keeping it close by and having it pre-poured during all David Eckstein and Scott Hairston at bats.

Ronco ST3001SSGEN Showtime Compact Rotisserie and Barbeque Oven, Stainless Steel3. Rotisserie Oven:

First everyone should have one of these. It makes a delicious chicken with the crispy skin and if done right it falls right off the bone. It makes me hungry just thinking about it.

Anyway we need to bring one of these to San Deigo just in case the damn San Deigo Chicken shows up. That thing is almost as bad as the stupid Rally Monkey the Angels used in 2002. So this is just a deterrent to keep away all good luck mascot that the Padres may decide to trot out to freak out the Giants.

15 Watt PA Megaphone Bullhorn Bull Horn4. Megaphone:
If you are at the game you will need one of these to talk to your nearest neighbor in the cavernous half empty stadium. I think that A's games I went to had more people then the Padres games that I have seen on TV. Come one San Deigo you should be better then that.

Here is the bottom line, the Padres fans just don't show up to games to support their Cinderella story team. They have averaged 25,500 a game in a stadium that holds 42,445. That is pathetic.

Teaching the Mechanics of Major League Swing II5. The Tom Emanski Baseball Drills:

This one is actually for Bruce Bochy, but the team needs to score runs. They need to score early on often. I am sure everyone remembers these commercials with the Crime Dog Fred McGriff and the back-to-back-to-back AAU Champions.

Man were they fundamentally sound. If the Giants had half that poise everything would work out this weekend.

I can't stress that enough. We all need to think good thoughts for the always run starved Matt Cain who is pitching tonight.

Toy Vault Voodoo Doll Plush Toy6. Voodoo Doll:

This should be self explanatory, when all else fails try to use magic to hurt the opposing team.

I hope that things don't get to this point but if the Heath Bell comes in and the Giants are down I will take one for the team and poke some needles into the right shoulder of my doll and I hope you all would do the same thing.

Fruit of the Loom Women's 4-Pack Cotton Fashion Thongs,Assorted,77. Rally Thongs:

It worked for Aubrey Huff so I think that we should all put aside our man hood and sport the eye patch underwear. This is September baseball and all stops need to be pulled out even if that means having to pull out a few wedgies. This team needs all of the good karma going for it that it can get.

The Giants have averaged only 2.09 runs per game against San Deigo this season so no lying every little bit will help.

On the bright side also when you go out in your skinny jeans after the game there will be no bunching or other underwear lines. You can't put a price on that.

Buddha Tabletop Zen Garden
8. Zen Garden:

Using that little rake making designs in the sand and staring at the bronze Buddha will all bring your heart rate and stress level down after one of these agonizing games.

The games are so stressful I think that should come with a surgeon generals warning. Playing in the Zen Garden will help out with all of this.

Banzai Crazy Crab Spray pool9. Banzai Crazy Crab Spray pool:

No real reason other then it looks freaking awesome and this website is named the Crazy Crabbers. My kids are going to live in one of these.

I am going to set one up in the backyard and splash around after every run scored.

The Glencairn Scotch Whisky Glassinside-out champagne glasses10. Scotch or Champagne:

I am not really sure which yet. If the Giants win 3 or more open the bubbly because the monkey that is the San Deigo Padres is off the teams back and the mystique is gone.

If it doesn't go that way....

Well scotch is a good friend when you are confront dark truths. Less then 2 wins and things get dark real quick on the playoffs.

And what would a post be without this classic:

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  1. The Padres have OWNED the Giants this season - last night is all SF gets - The Padres will take the remaining 3 - then sweep f$#@&$% Colorado.

    It's going to be beautiful baby!

  2. Tim how did that work out for you and your Padres? Watch out for the Rockies they are the next team that is going to catch and pass you.